Chapter 22: Morning Wood – Part II

He must have read my file.

Wood called me anti- American. He called me an anarchist in disgust when he saw the tiny anarchy symbol drawn in pencil on the left collar of my uniform.

When angry, Wood would do his best to contain himself. He would immediately about- face and walk stiffly to his desk and sit. Wood would place his head on the desk top, with his eyes shut tight and his hands laced around the back of his neck. He would groan loudly into the desk, shaking his head as he did so. Once his composure was regained, Wood would “press on” without ever acknowledging that anything happened. Whenever a student asked what Wood thought was a simple question, instead of answering, he would go to his computer and play the scarecrow song from “The Wizard of OZ” it was funny the first time, after the fourth, it got offensive. Criminals hate to be called stupid.

Insubordination and subversion is an art form. We practiced our art on Wood. We would do our best to test his patience to its limits. The computer tools were catalogued and housed in a metal enclosure called the cage. In the cage was a student, hand picked by Wood, he was commonly called the “Cage Monkey” because it was his duty to sit in the cage and sign out tools. Wood would tell us to line up at the cage to get our tools. In funny voices we would all call out “Fuck the Cage!” It got to the point where we would yell this whenever he said the word “cage.”

Back to the desk with his head down.

Sitting around a table, Wood once disassembled a pc for us to familiarize us with the components. He was passing around parts and describing their functions; most of the other students had never even used a computer. Wood was doing his usual, giving the lesson as quickly as possible so that he could return to his desk and ignore us. I was holding a RAM card. I wet my fingers and ran them across the metal pins on the card, then quickly placed the RAM back with the rest of the components.

Wood reassembled the computer and powered it up. Smoke, popping, and a burned motherboard. Me playing stupid.

Wood working on a computer with the case removed, me sneaking up on the other side of a table. With an insulated screwdriver, I made contact with pin1 for the cpu on the back of his motherboard. The computer instantly shut down and I moved back to my station before Wood could see me. He believed that I was responsible for every silly prank or mysterious computer failure.

He was right at first. After a short time, other students that Wood had disrespected began upping the ante. Penises began to appear everywhere, drawn on components, tests, desks, computer wallpapers, books, all labeled “Morning Wood.” Upon finding one, he would address the class loudly while denouncing acts of terrorism. Although he talked to everyone, he maintained eye contact only with me.

It was then that my grades in the class began to mysteriously drop. This was unusual, because we all cheated. I found out that Wood had been changing my turned in tests so that the answers were wrong.

How petty.

After several incidents involving inmates being beaten and killed by tin cans placed in socks, the commissary began selling tuna and mackerel in plastic pouches. I snuck one of the pouches into the class. When Wood was distracted, I took the tuna pouch and poked a small hole in it, then tossed it behind his filing cabinet. The smell was unbearable, and Wood never found the source.

One of the other students, Carl preferred a different approach. Whenever he would notice Wood’s coffee cup unattended, he would insert a finger in his anus, then dip the finger in the coffee, stirring it. “A little Amaretto.” Carl would say.

One rule that the inmates made early was that to pass gas, you had to go an unoccupied area of the room, fart, then shake your pants to remove all traces of the smell. If anyone came back smelling like farts, we would address him as “Shitty” for the rest of the day. We modified the rule so that it was encouraged for students to try to fart as close as possible to Wood, then blame the gas on him. Points were awarded for proximity and smell. Anyone to confirm actual farting on of Wood was awarded a Ramen Noodle upon return to the dorm.

  1. […] 19: The CarChapter 20: AtonementPart IIIChapter 21: Morning Wood – Part IChapter 22: Morning Wood – Part IIScarletChapter 1: Part 1Zora Bleu1TSOE […]

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