Chapter 4: Why?

Stephany was still out of it. I had woken her from her sleep at 4:00 a.m., so she was a little confused. After letting me in, she told me that, at first, she thought I was her daughter, Brooklyn. I was wearing the same shirt she had last seen her daughter in. Brooklyn had left the night before to go to her friend’s house. She immediately began to comfort me and asked what was wrong. After I explained the situation, we called my Mom to let her know that I’d arrived safely. Stephany and my Mom picked a meeting point, and my Mom and Step Dad drove more than halfway to Houston to pick me up. When I got out of Stephany’s car and into my Mom’s van, I expected a hug from my Mom and for her to tell me everything was going to be okay, but that didn’t happen. We headed back to Dallas in pure awkwardness. My Mom and Step Dad were just as uncomfortable with the situation as I was. We were all in shock. My Mom felt guilty for letting me go, but none of us knew that this was going to happen. Upon arriving to Dallas, we contacted the Houston Police Department. I had to complete a written statement, in detail, of what happened that night. It was like reliving it all over again. I was in tears. I told my Mom, “I can’t do it!”, and she said, “You have to, Jacky! They need to know!” I painfully continued to write until every last detail was on paper. I handed it to my Mom and there she stood gazing over it. I’m not sure if she read it or not but in my embarrassment I hoped she didn’t! She faxed it to the police, as they had asked her to do.

I began to doubt myself from the start. I thought that maybe if I had done something different, then it wouldn’t have happened, or maybe God is punishing me. Why didn’t I call the police that night? Why? Questions filled my mind. I wished it was all a bad dream that I would wake up from. It wasn’t, it was real, and it happened to me! I didn’t seek therapy, and I began to pull away from those I loved. I lost trust in everyone. If my own father could do this to me, then what were other people capable of? I tried to stay with Jorge, but it was too hard. Any time he would touch me, it would turn on the switch, sending me horrible flashbacks. He was very insensitive to my feelings and nonchalant about what had happened to me. I don’t think he even cared what I was going through! I eventually broke up with him and told him I needed a break.

I didn’t trust my family anymore, and I felt like a stranger in my own home. I moved out to live with my friend Jaden. She was the only one who understood me. I was terrified that my Dad would come and look for me. I was afraid he was capable of coming after me and killing me for telling. I was always paranoid that I would run into him in some public place. My flashbacks became part of my daily routine. I was miserable and needed help, so I turned to the only thing I knew of that would numb my pain. I began using cocaine heavily. When I used it, my whole face would go numb and I would be in another world. This was the only time I felt peace. Alcohol also became my friend, and I would spend nights drinking away my pain. I went to school with no sleep and horrible hangovers. I would wake up drooling on my desk in the middle of class. My body was there, but I wasn’t. I no longer had a care in the world. I didn’t care about myself anymore and felt that I deserved the life I was giving myself. I can’t explain it, and I still don’t understand it to this day, but I eventually became very promiscuous. I would get drunk and drugged and would sleep around. Sometimes I would sleep with people I just met. I would put myself in dangerous and stupid situations, but I didn’t care.

Jorge came looking for me at my work. He was crying and asked me to please come back to him. He promised to change, and I wanted to believe him. I told him yes, and we started dating again. Not too long after we got back together, he asked me to move in with him. By this time, I was being faithful to him and only him, so I said yes. I was addicted to the cocaine and would have withdrawals when I wasn’t using. I tried to keep it a secret from Jorge and my friend Jaden, but they eventually found out. They gave me an ultimatum, and that became my motivation to give it up, no matter how hard it was. Jorge was doing good for a while, but he eventually went back to his normal self.

Once again, I knew I needed to get away, so I moved in with my grandparents, but I was depressed and missed him, so one night I gave him a call. We started talking every night. Soon enough, he had me wrapped around his finger again. On my birthday, Jorge called me up and told me he’d bought me some gifts. He asked me to come over, so I did. When I got there, he had my favorite alcohol beverage waiting for me and a bag of presents. He said all the right things, and I was lost in him once again. He talked me into moving back in with him, and within a few days, I was back at his house. We lived in a double-wide, three-bedroom trailer with 10 other people. Our room was actually supposed to be the utility room, but we used it as our bedroom. It was the size of a small cell, with just enough room for a twin-sized bed, which me and Jorge shared. My mom sent the police over to his house to look for me, but they couldn’t do anything. In Texas, at the age of 17, you are legally an adult. My Mom even came knocking at the door one day. She was in tears, begging me to come home. I told her that we planned to get married. She begged me not to. She begged me, while balling, to just come home. I was very cold-hearted towards her and sent her away.

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